In The Name of Allaah, The Most Merciful, The Bestower of Mercy.
Ask Allaah For Protection Against Despair
Allaah [The Most High] said:
وَمِنَ ٱلنَّاسِ مَن يَعۡبُدُ ٱللَّهَ عَلَىٰ حَرۡفٍ۬ۖ فَإِنۡ أَصَابَهُ ۥ خَيۡرٌ ٱطۡمَأَنَّ بِهِۦۖ وَإِنۡ أَصَابَتۡهُ فِتۡنَةٌ ٱنقَلَبَ عَلَىٰ وَجۡهِهِۦ خَسِرَ ٱلدُّنۡيَا وَٱلۡأَخِرَةَۚ ذَٲلِكَ هُوَ ٱلۡخُسۡرَانُ ٱلۡمُبِينُ
And among mankind is he who worships Allah as it were, upon the very edge (i.e. in doubt); if good befalls him, he is content therewith; but if a trial befalls him, he turns back on his face. He loses both this world and the Hereafter. That is the evident loss. [Surah Al-Hajj. Aayah 11]
Imaam Al-Buhaari [rahimahullaah] said, “Chapter: ‘And among mankind is he who worships Allaah as it were upon the very edge’. Ibn Abbaas [radiallaahu anhumaa] said about this Aayah, “A man used to come to Madeenah and if his wife gave birth to a son and his mares produce offspring, he said, ‘This religion of Islaam is good’. But if his wife did not give birth and his mares did not produce offspring, he would say, ‘This religion is evil’’’. [Saheeh Al-Bukhaari Number 4742]
Imaam As-Sadi [rahimahullaah] said about this Aayah: There are those among the people who are weak in Eemaan- neither has Eemaan entered into his heart [i.e. with certainty] nor has it tasted its sweetness [or pleasure]; rather it entered into his heart either due to fear or by way of custom [i.e. he merely entered due to what he saw the people doing] in a way that does not allow his Eemaan to be firm during trials. [فَإِنۡ أَصَابَهُ ۥ خَيۡرٌ ٱطۡمَأَنَّ بِهِۦۖ – if good befalls him, he is content therewith]- Meaning: When his provision continues to come easily and he does not face any hardship, he is contented due to that good and not due to his Eemaan. And it maybe that Allaah grants this person well-being and does not put him to trial which would make him turn him away from his religion. [وَإِنۡ أَصَابَتۡهُ فِتۡنَةٌ ٱنقَلَبَ عَلَىٰ وَجۡهِهِۦ – But if a trial befalls him, he turns back on his face] – Meaning: Either due to hardship or cessation of something he loves, he exits the religion [i.e. apostates]. [خَسِرَ ٱلدُّنۡيَا وَٱلۡأَخِرَةَ – He loses both this world and the Hereafter] – Meaning: As for in the Dunyaa, he does not receive what he wishes due to exiting the religion. The one who makes apostasy his main source of wealth – as a replacement of his religion through which he thinks that he will obtain what he hopes for, he will not receive except that which has been portioned out for him by Allaah. As for the afterlife, it is clear that he will be forbidden from entering paradise whose expanse is as wide as the heavens and the earth. And he will be deserving of the hell fire; [ذَٲلِكَ هُوَ ٱلۡخُسۡرَانُ ٱلۡمُبِينُ – That is the evident loss]. [Ref 1]
Imaam Ibnul Al-Jawzee [rahimahullaah] said: And indeed many of the creation become helpless when their loved ones die. So amongst them is one who tears his clothes; and amongst them is one who strikes his face out of despair and amongst them is one who raise objections. And indeed I have seen an old man who reached nearly eighty years of age and he used to strictly guard the congregational prayer. So a son of his died and he said, “It is not befitting for anyone to supplicate, for indeed he will not be answered”. He then said, “Indeed Allaah has turned away from us, for He has not left us with a child’’. So, I realised that his prayers and performance of good deeds was merely a customary thing, because they were not nurtured upon knowledge and Imaan. These (people) are those who worship Allaah on an edge. [Ref2]
Supplication That Allaah Protect You Against Distress and Grief, Helplessness and Laziness, Miserliness and Cowardice, Being Heavily In Debt and Being Overcome By Men
The Messenger [sallal laahu alayhi wasallam] used to supplicate saying:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْهَمِّ وَالْحَزَنِ، وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ، وَالْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ ، وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ، وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ
O Allaah! I seek refuge with You against distress and grief, helplessness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, being heavily in debt and being overcome by men. [Saheeh Al-Bukhaari. Number 2893]
Imaam Ibnul Qayyim [rahimahullaah] said: So, the Messenger [sallal laahu alayhi wasallam] sought Allaah’s Refuge against eight affairs and each of them is connected to another thing.
Distress and Grief: Distress and grief are connected to each other and they are pains in the heart. If it is in relation to an affair that has elapsed, then it is grief; and if related to an affair in the future, then it is distress. So, if the basis of the pain is related to something missed in the past, it is grief; and if its basis is related to fear of what is to come in future, it is distress.
Helplessness And Laziness: Helplessness and Laziness are connected to each other. When one is delayed from what is beneficial and its perfect [accomplishment], it is considered to be helplessness. And if the affair is related to lack of intent, it is considered to be laziness.
Cowardice And Miserliness: Cowardice and miserliness are connected to each other, because indeed Ihsaan [i.e. to do good for others, generosity, etc] brings happiness to the heart and comfort to the inner self, overcomes distress and repels rancour. And abandoning it [i.e. Ihsaan] would cause the heart to be constricted and prevents it from reaching blessings by way of it. Cowardice is to abandon Insaan by way of physical actions and miserliness is the abandonment of Insaan through wealth.
Being Heavily In Debt And Being Overcome By Men: Being heavily in debt and being overcome by men are connected to each other, because being subdued and overcome can occur from the person himself or from others- either based on truth or falsehood. The cause of being heavily in debt emanates from the person himself and no wrong is committed against him, and being overcome by men is tantamount to falsehood [committed against him] and not from himself.
The intent in this discussion is that the Prophet [sallal laahu alayhi wasallam] [showed and clarified] that grief is something a person should seek refuge against, because indeed it weakens the heart, weakens one’s determination and changes one’s intent. And there is nothing more beloved to shaytaan than bringing sadness to the believers. Allaah [The Exalted] said: [ إِنَّمَا ٱلنَّجۡوَىٰ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَـٰنِ لِيَحۡزُنَ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا – Secret counsels (conspiracies) are only from Shaitan (Satan), in order that he may cause grief to the believers] [Surah Al-Mujaadilah. Aayah 10]
Grief is one of the ailments of the heart which prevents it from arising, embarking upon and striving [to pursue what is beneficial] – preventing it from attaining reward due to the calamities that afflicts a person outside his own choice, such as sickness, pain and what is similar. [Ref 3]
Sincerely Ask Allaah to Make The Wives and Children The Coolness of Your Eyes
Saeed Ibn Mansoor [rahimahullaah] said, “Hazm [rahimahullaah] reported to us, saying: I heard Katheer Ibn Ziyaad [rahimahullaah] asking Al-Hasan [rahimahullaah] about the statement of Allaah (The Most High): رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬- Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes], saying, ‘O Abu Saeed! What is this comfort of the eyes; is it in this worldly life or the afterlife?’ He (Al-Hasan) said, ‘No, rather by Allaah it is in this world’. He (Katheer) said, ‘What is it?’ He (Al-Hasan) said, ‘By Allaah it is (when) Allaah enables a servant to see (deeds) of obedience to Allaah from his wife, brother and close friend. By Allaah there is nothing more beloved to a Muslim than seeing his (her) child or father or a close friend being obedient to Allaah (The Mighty and Majestic)”’ 
Marital Relationships Are a Mercy
Allaah (The Most High) said:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” [Soorah Ar-Rum: Ayah: 21]
Imaam as-Saa’di [rahimahullaah], ”In most cases you will not find love in anyone similar to the love and mercy between a husband and wife”. [Ref 5]
The Messenger [sallal-laahu-alayhi-wasallam] said: “There is nothing like marriage, for two who love one another”. [Ref 6]
Meaning: There is no bond like that bond between two people in marriage who love one another, for if they are married and love is present between them, it will increase in strength every day. [Ref 7]
Imaam Muhammad Ibn Saaleh Al-Uthaymeen [rahimahullaah] said, ”If a person says, ‘What will make a man love his wife and vice versa?’ We say, ‘Allaah has clarified this in His statement: [وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ – And live with them honourably]. [Soorah An-Nisaa’ Aayah 19]
If every person lives with his wife honourably and vice versa, then love, a strong bond and a happy married life will be established. [Ref 8]
The Importance of Knowing One’s Wife
Aa’isha [radiyallaahu-anhaa] narrated that Allaah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said to her, “I know when you are pleased with me or angry with me”. I said, “When do you know that?” He said, “When you are pleased with me, you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Muhammad,’ but when you are angry with me, then you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Abraaheem.’ ” Thereupon I said, “Yes, (certainly, you are right); but by Allaah, O Allaah’s Messenger (ﷺ), I do not leave anything else besides your name”.
Benefits From This Hadeeth: A man’s thorough observation regarding the state of a woman due to her action, speech, inclination or lack of inclination towards him based on indications, because the Prophet [sallal laahu alayhi wasallam] firmly determined Aa’Isha’s [radiyallaahu-anhaa] happiness or anger merely when she mentioned or refrain from mentioning his name; therefore, he [sallal laahu alayhi wasallam] judged the two situations based on the mention or the absence of a mention of his name as an indication of happiness or anger. It can also be definitely the case that there is something more explicit regarding this affair, but he did not say it.
And regarding the statement of Aa’Isha, “Yes (certainly, you are right); but by Allaah, O Allaah’s Messenger, I do not leave anything else besides your name”. At-Teebee [rahimahullaah] said, “This is a very subtle way of making an exception, because she related that when she is in a state of anger – a state in which a sane person loses his senses by choice, her affirmed love for the Messenger [sallal laaahu alayhi wasallam] does not change.
Ibnul Muneer [rahimahullaah] said, “What Aa’isha [radiyallaahu anhaa] intended is that she left out the wording of the Prophet’s [sallal laahu alayhi wasallam] name but her heart’s pure love and affection towards the noble person of the Prophet [sallal laahu alayhi wasallam] does not leave her.
And with regards to the choice Aa’Isha [radiyallaahu anhaa] made to use Ibraaheem’s [alayhis salaam] name instead of the other Prophets [alayhimus salaam], this is proof regarding her intelligence, because the Prophet [sallal laahu alayhi wasallam] is the one with the best claim to Ibraaheem [alayhis salaam] just as Allaah stated in the Qur’an. Therefore, when she had no other way of leaving a noble name, she replaced it with the name of someone who is from the one whose name she left out, so that her heart does not exit the boundaries of that attachment. [Ref 9]
Narrated `Aisha: Eleven women sat (at a place) and promised and contracted that they would not conceal anything of the news of their husbands.
The first one said, “My husband is like the meat of a slim weak camel which is kept on the top of a mountain which is neither easy to climb, nor is the meat fat, so that one might put up with the trouble of fetching it.” The second one said, “I shall not relate my husband’s news, for I fear that I may not be able to finish his story, for if I describe him, I will mention all his defects and bad traits.” The third one said, “My husband, the “too-tall”! if I describe him (and he hears of that) he will divorce me, and if I keep quiet, he will keep me hanging (neither divorcing me nor treating me as a wife).” The fourth one said, “My husband is (moderate in temper) like the night of Tihama: neither hot nor cold; I am neither afraid of him, nor am I discontented with him.” The fifth one said, “My husband, when entering (the house) is a leopard (sleeps a lot), and when going out, is a lion (boasts a lot). He does not ask about whatever is in the house.” The sixth one said, “If my husband eats, he eats too much (leaving the dishes empty), and if he drinks he leaves nothing; if he sleeps he sleeps he rolls himself (alone in our blankets); and he does not insert his palm to inquire about my feelings.” The seventh one said, “My husband is a wrong-doer or weak and foolish. All the defects are present in him. He may injure your head or your body or may do both.” The eighth one said, “My husband is soft to touch like a rabbit and smells like a Zarnab (a kind of good smelling grass).” The ninth one said, “My husband is a tall generous man wearing a long strap for carrying his sword. His ashes are abundant (i.e. generous to his guests) and his house is near to the people (who would easily consult him).” The tenth one said, “My husband is Malik (possessor), and what is Malik? Malik is greater than whatever I say about him. (He is beyond and above all praises which can come to my mind). Most of his camels are kept at home (ready to be slaughtered for the guests) and only a few are taken to the pastures. When the camels hear the sound of the lute (or the tambourine) they realize that they are going to be slaughtered for the guests.” The eleventh one said, “My husband is Abu Zar’ah and what is Abu Zar’ah (i.e. what should I say about him)? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (i.e. I have become fat). And he has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself. He found me with my family who were mere owners of sheep and living in poverty, and brought me to a respected family having horses and camels and threshing and purifying grain. Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill. The mother of Abu Zar’ah and what may one say in praise of the mother of Abu Zar’ah? Her saddle bags were always full of provision and her house was spacious. As for the son of Abu Zar’ah, what may one say of the son of Abu Zar’ah? His bed is as narrow as an unsheathed sword and an arm of a kid (of four months) satisfies his hunger. As for the daughter of Abu Zar’ah, she is obedient to her father and to her mother. She has a fat well-built body and that arouses the jealousy of her husband’s other wife. As for the (maid) slave girl of Abu Zar’ah, what may one say of the (maid) slave girl of Abu Zar’ah? She does not uncover our secrets but keeps them, and does not waste our provisions and does not leave the rubbish scattered everywhere in our house.” The eleventh lady added, “One day it so happened that Abu Zar’ah went out at the time when the milk was being milked from the animals, and he saw a woman who had two sons like two leopards playing with her two breasts. (On seeing her) he divorced me and married her. Thereafter I married a noble man who used to ride a fast tireless horse and keep a spear in his hand. He gave me many things, and also a pair of every kind of livestock and said, Eat (of this), O Um Zar’ah, and give provision to your relatives.” She added, “Yet, all those things which my second husband gave me could not fill the smallest utensil of Abu Zar’ah’s.” `Aisha then said: Allah’s Messenger (sallal-laahu-alayhi-wasallam) said to me, “I am to you as Abu Zar’ah was to his wife Umm Zar’ah.” [Ref 10]
Iblees Eager to Destroy Our Marital Relationships
Narrated Jabir [radiyallaahu-anhu] that Allaah’s Messenger [sallal-laahu-alayhi-wasallam] said: Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments [for creating dissension]; the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: ‘You have done well. A’mash said: He then embraces him. [Saheeh Muslim. Number:2813]
And because of the fact that this bond [between husband and wife] is from the most beloved affairs to Allaah and His Messenger, it is from the most hated affairs to the enemy of Allaah [i.e. shaytaan]. Therefore he hastens to split two people who love another for the sake of Allaah. [Ref11]
Prophet Ayyoub and His Wife During Times of Severe Hardship
Ayyoob [alayhis salaam] remained in his state of affliction [i.e. illness] for eighteen years, and he was shunned by both those close to him [i.e. relatives] and those who were not close to him [strangers], except two among his brothers who used to come to him in the morning and evening. One day, one of them said to his companion, “By Allaah! Do you know that Ayyoub must have committed a sin which none amongst the creation has ever committed? His companion said to him, ‘Why is that?’ He said, ‘It has been eighteen years, Allaah has not shown him mercy and granted him relief from [what has afflicted him]’”. So, when they went to Ayyoub [alayhis salaam] in the evening, the man could not restrain himself and thus transmitted – to Ayyoub – the statement that was made by his companion. So, Ayyoub [alayhis salaam] said, “I don’t know what you two are talking about, other than the fact that Allaah knows that I used to go pass two men who were arguing, and they mentioned Allaah, because in one’s dispute one swears by Allaah saying ‘By Allaah! By Allaah!’ So, I would return to my house and offer expiation on their behalf, because I hated that Allaah is mentioned, except in that which is true”.
Whenever he went out to answer the call of nature, and after finishing, his wife would hold his hand until he returns to his house. One day, he took a long time, and Allaah had revealed to him to strike the ground with his foot: [ٱرۡكُضۡ بِرِجۡلِكَۖ هَـٰذَا مُغۡتَسَلُۢ بَارِدٌ۬ وَشَرَابٌ۬ – (Allah said to him): “Strike the ground with your foot: This is a spring of water to wash in, cool and a (refreshing) drink] [Surah Sad Ayah 42].
She thought that he took a long time [to return] and turned to look for him, and thus Allaah had taken away the afflictions he was suffering from, and he was more good looking than he was in the past. So, when she saw him, she said, “May Allaah bless you, have you seen that Prophet of Allaah who is put to trial and test [by Allaah]? By Allaah! I have not seen anyone who resembles him more than you if he were healthy [or in a state of wellbeing]”. So, he [Ayyoub] said, “It is me indeed”. And he had two threshing floors – one for wheat and one for barley. Allaah sent two clouds, and when one of them reached the threshing floor of the wheat, it rained gold until it was full, and the other reached the threshing floor of barley until it was full with silver. [Ref 12]
We ask Allaah to place abundant love, compassion and mercy between us and our wives upon that which agrees with the Qur’aan and the authentic Sunnah Aameen.
[Ref 1: An Excerpt from Tafseer As-Sadi. Slightly paraphrased]
[Ref 2: Ref An Excerpt from Ath-Thabaat Indal Mamaat. Page: 11]
[Ref 3: An Excerpt from Tareeq Al-Hijratayn. Pages 606-607. Slightly paraphrased]
[Ref 4: Fathul Baari 8/491. At-Tabari 19/318]
[Ref 5: Tafseer as-Sadi]
[Ref 6: Reported by Imaam Ibn Maajah 2/153. Hadeeth Number: 1847. Declared Authentic by Imaam Albaanee in As-Saheehah 2/196]
[Ref 7: Sharh Sunan Ibn Maajah by As-Sindee (rahimahullaah)… Hadeeth Number 1847’ Book of Marriage- Chapter: The Excellence of Marriage]
[Ref 8: Fataawaa Noor Alad-Darb 6/29]
[Ref 9: An Excerpt from Fat-hul Baari Sharh Saheeh Al-Bukhaari Hadeeth 5228. Vol 9, Pages 404- 405. Slightly paraphrased. Publisher. Daarus Salaam. 1st Edition 1421AH [Year 2000]
[Ref 10: Saheeh Al-Bukhaari’ Hadeeth Number 518. Vol 7]
[Ref 11: Rawdatul Muhibbeen Wa Nuzhatul Mush-taaqeen. Page:188]
[Ref 12: Silsilah As-Saheehah. 17]