Cautioning One Who Busies Himself With a Wife’s Undesirable Trait Instead of Following The Path of Sound Rectification and Harmony!
In The Name of Allaah, The Most Merciful, The Bestower of Mercy.
Allaah [The Exalted] said: [فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـًٔ۬ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرً۬ا ڪَثِيرً۬ا – If you dislike them (i.e. your wives), it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good]. [Surah An-Nisaa. Aayah 19]
Imaam Ibnul Qayyim [may Allaah havr mercy upon him] said:
A person may dislike a woman due to a trait of hers, whilst there is a great deal of goodness in keeping her and he does not know it. He may love a woman due to a trait of her traits, whilst in keeping her there is much evil and he does not know it. The human being is as he has been described by his Creator: “Verily, he (man) was unjust (to himself) and ignorant (of its results)”. [Ahzaab, Aayah 72]. Therefore, it is not befitting that he places his inclination, love, aversion and hatred as a measure for that which harms or benefits him, rather the measure is that which Allaah has selected for him of commandments and prohibitions. The most beneficial of affairs for him – without exception – is obedience to His Lord outwardly and inwardly (i.e. praiseworthy hidden deeds of the heart and apparent actions of the limbs), and the most harmful of affairs for him – without exception – is disobedience to his Lord outwardly and inwardly (i.e. evil hidden deeds of the heart and apparent actions of the limbs). If he embarks upon sincere obedience and servitude to Him, then all that he comes across of that which he hates is better for him; and if he withdraws from obedience and servitude to Allaah [The Most High], then all that is in what he loves is bad for him. Therefore, whoever has sound knowledge regarding his Lord and an understanding of His Names and Attributes, he knows with certainty that there are (affairs of advantage, great benefits, welfare etc) and useful (things) in those hated things that afflicts him and the trials that befall him, which he cannot innumerate by way of his knowledge and contemplation; rather the (affairs of advantage, great benefits and welfare) for a servant of Allaah are greater in that which he hates than in what he loves. (1)
The Blessing of a Wife
Allaah [The Most High] said:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. [Surah Ar-Rum, Aayah: 21]
Imaam As-Sadi [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said: “In most cases you will not find love in anyone similar to the love and mercy between a husband and wife”. (2)
The Messenger [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said: “There is nothing like marriage, for two who love one another”. (3) Meaning, “There is no bond like that bond between two people in marriage who love one another, for if they are married and love is present between them, it will increase in strength every day”. (4)
Imaam Muhammad Bin Saaleh Al-Uthaymeen [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “If a person says, ‘What will make a man love his wife and vice versa?’ We say, ‘Allaah has clarified this in His statement: [وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ – And live with them honourably]’. If every person lives with his wife honourably and vice versa, then love, a strong bond and a happy married life will be established”. (5)
Jabir [may Allaah be please with him] narrated that Allaah’s Messenger [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said, “Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension)- the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says, ‘ I did so and so’. He says, ‘You have done nothing’. Then one amongst them comes and says, ‘I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife’. The Satan goes near him and says, ‘You have done well’. A’mash said, ‘He then embraces him'”. [Saheeh Muslim. Number:2813]
Imaam Ibnul Qayyim [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “And because of the fact that this bond (between husband and wife) is from the most beloved affairs to Allaah and His Messenger, it is from the most hated affairs to the enemy of Allaah [i.e. shaytaan]. Therefore he hastens to split two people who love another for the sake of Allaah”. (6)
[ وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا – And those who say: “Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqun]. (pious) 25:74
رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the pious”.
Imaam Ibnul Qayyim [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “So they ask Allaah to grant them the comfort of the eye by making their wives and offspring obedient to Allaah, and to grant them happiness in their hearts due to being followed by the righteous in obedience and servitude to Allaah. That is because a trustworthy leader in the religion co-operates with (others) upon obedience (to Allaah and His Messenger), and that is to call them to (sound) leadership in the religion, whose foundation is patience and certainty, as Allaah [The Most High] said: [ وَجَعَلۡنَا مِنۡہُمۡ أَٮِٕمَّةً۬ يَہۡدُونَ بِأَمۡرِنَا لَمَّا صَبَرُواْۖ وَڪَانُواْ بِـَٔايَـٰتِنَا يُوقِنُونَ – And We made from among them (Children of Israel), leaders, giving guidance under Our Command, when they were patient and used to believe with certainty in Our Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.). Therefore, in this supplication of theirs to Allaah that He makes them leaders of the righteous people, is that Allaah guides them, grants them success, bless them with beneficial knowledge and righteous actions- outwardly and inwardly-without which (sound) leadership in the religion cannot be achieved”. (7)
Gentleness In The Household
Aa’isha [may Allaah be pleased with her] narrated that Allaah’s Messenger [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said to her, “O Aa’isha! Be gentle, for indeed when Allaah wishes good for a household, He guides them to gentleness”.
Al-Allaamah Zaid Bin Haadi [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “This hadeeth contains proof regarding the fact that it is obligatory to give sincere advice and the first people one should give sincere advice is the members of the household- the wives, sons, daughters and others. Also this hadeeth contains proof regarding the virtue of gentleness in all affairs, for indeed gentleness is not found in any affair except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it damages it. On the other hand, the opposite of gentleness is warn against and it is the harshness that is applied in other than its rightful place, because its end result will be alienation and disharmony”. (8)
[Ref 1: Al-Fawaa’id: page: 145-148. Slightly paraphrased]
[Ref 2: Tafseer As-Sadi]
[Ref 3: Reported by Imaam Ibn Maajah 2/153. Hadeeth Number: 1847. Declared Authentic by Imaam Albaanee in As-Saheehah 2/196];
[Ref 4: Sharh Sunan Ibn Maajah by As-Sindee (rahimahullaah)… Hadeeth Number 1847’ Book of Marriage- Chapter: The Excellence of Marriage]
[Ref 5: Fataawaa Noor Alad-Darb 6/29]
[Ref 6: Rawdatul Muhibbeen. page:188]
[Ref 7: An Excerpt from ‘Ar-Rooh’ pages 487-489’. slightly paraphrased]
[Ref 8: At-ta’leeqaat Al-Maleehah Alaa Silsilah Al-Ahaadeeth As-Saheehah. Vol 1 page 277. Slightly paraphrased]