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You Still Love Your Wife or Find Her Attractive After Nearly Three Decades of Marriage?!

In The Name of Allaah, The Most Merciful, The Bestower of Mercy.

Looking at The One Proposed For Marriage

Abu Hurayrah [may Allaah be pleased with him] said, “I was with the Prophet [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] when a man came and told him that he had married a woman of the Ansaar. Allaah’s Messenger [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said to him, ‘Have you seen her?’ He said, ‘No’. He said, ‘Go and look at her, because there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar'”. [Saheeh Muslim. Number 1424]

Regarding the statement, “Because there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar”, Imaam An-Nawawi [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “It is said that the intent behind this is Small-eyed and it is said that it is Bleary-eyed”. (1)

Mughirah Bin Shubah [may Allaah be pleased with him] said, “I came to the Prophet [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] and told him of a woman to whom I had to propose marriage. He said, ‘Go and look at her, because that is more likely to create love between you.’ So, I went to a woman among the Ansar and proposed marriage through her parents. I told them what the Prophet had said, and it was as if they did not like that. Then I heard that woman behind her curtain, saying, ‘If the Messenger of Allah has told you to do that, then do it, otherwise I adjure you by Allah (not to do so)’. And it was as if she regarded that as a serious matter. So I looked at her and married her.” And he (Mugheerah) mentioned how well he got along with her. (2)

After seeing the one you want to marry and decide to go ahead because she is beautiful in your eyes as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then ask Allaah sincerely to place genuine love, compassion, mercy and respect between you, as Allaah [The Most High] said:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. [Surah Ar-Rum. Aayah 21]

Allaah [The Exalted] said: [وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا – And those who say: Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the pious]. [Surah Al-Furqaan. Aayah 74]

Imaam Ibnul Qayyim [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “They ask Allaah to grant them the comfort of the eye by making their wives and offspring obedient to Allaah, and to grant them happiness in their hearts due to being followed by the righteous in obedience and servitude to Allaah. That is because a trustworthy leader in the religion co-operates upon obedience (to Allaah and His Messenger), and that is to call to (sound) leadership in the religion, whose foundation is patience and certainty, as Allaah [The Most High] said:

[ وَجَعَلۡنَا مِنۡہُمۡ أَٮِٕمَّةً۬ يَہۡدُونَ بِأَمۡرِنَا لَمَّا صَبَرُواْ‌ۖ وَڪَانُواْ بِـَٔايَـٰتِنَا يُوقِنُونَ – And We made from among them (Children of Israel), leaders, giving guidance under Our Command, when they were patient and used to believe with certainty in Our Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.). Therefore, in their supplication -[in Surah Al-Furqaan Ayah 74]- to Allaah that He makes them leaders of the righteous people, is that Allaah guides them, grants them success, bless them with beneficial knowledge and righteous actions- outwardly and inwardly – without which (sound) leadership in the religion cannot be achieved”. (3)

Then strive to live your life based on the guidance of the infallible Qur’aan and Sunnah, return to them – in all your affairs – and to the upright scholars and elders in all circumstances. Strive to know your wife’s character and let your household be that of mercy, sincere advice and harmony. Aa’isha [may Allaah be pleased with her] narrated that Allaah’s Messenger [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said to her, “O Aa’isha! Be gentle, for indeed when Allaah wishes good for a household, He guides them to gentleness”. Al-Allaamah Zaid Bin Haadi [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “This hadeeth contains proof regarding the fact that it is obligatory to give sincere advice and the first people one should give sincere advice is the members of the household- the wives, sons, daughters and others. Also this hadeeth contains proof regarding the virtue of gentleness in all affairs, for indeed gentleness is not found in any affair except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it damages it. On the other hand, the opposite of gentleness is warn against and it is the harshness that is applied in other than its rightful place, because its end result will be alienation and disharmony”. (4)

Aa’isha [may Allaah be pleased with her] narrated that Allaah’s Messenger [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said to her, “I know when you are pleased with me or angry with me”. I said, “When do you know that?” He said, “When you are pleased with me, you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Muhammad,’ but when you are angry with me, then you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Abraaheem.’ ” Thereupon I said, “Yes, (certainly, you are right); but by Allaah, O Allaah’s Messenger, I do not leave anything else besides your name.

Benefits From This Hadeeth

A man’s thorough observation regarding the state of a woman due to her action, speech, inclination or lack of inclination towards him based on indications, because the Prophet [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] firmly determined Aa’Isha’s [may Allaah be pleased with her] happiness or anger merely when she mentioned or refrain from mentioning his name; therefore, he judged the two situations based on the mention or the absence of a mention of his name as an indication of happiness or anger. It can also be definitely the case that there is something more explicit regarding this affair, but he did not say it.

And regarding the statement of Aa’Isha, “Yes (certainly, you are right); but by Allaah, O Allaah’s Messenger, I do not leave anything else besides your name”. At-Teebee said, “This is a very subtle way of making an exception, because she related that when she is in a state of anger – a state in which a sane person loses his senses by choice, her affirmed love for the Messenger does not change.

Ibnul Muneer said, “What Aa’isha intended is that she left out the wording of the Prophet’s name but her heart’s pure love and affection towards the noble person of the Prophet does not leave her.

And with regards to the choice Aa’Isha made to use Prophet Ibraaheem’s [peace be upon him] name instead of the other Prophet’s, this is proof regarding her intelligence, because the Prophet is the one with the best claim to Ibraaheem just as Allaah stated in the Qur’an. Therefore, when she had no other way of leaving a noble name, she replaced it with the name of someone who is from the one whose name she left out, so that her heart does not exit the boundaries of that attachment. (5)

This is what we ask Allaah for even when our wives are not happy with us due to some misunderstanding or disagreement – still loving us just as we love them regardless of their physical appearance after they’ve gone past the age of youth – forty and above. They are the ones who carried our children, whilst enduring great and severe difficulty during pregnancy, then the great difficulty of childbirth, breast feeding and baby-sitting. These difficulties -as Imaam As Sadi stated – did not only last for a short period, an hour or two; rather its time period was thirty months. And in most cases the period of pregnancy is nine months or (a bit less or more), and then breast feeding during the remaining months after childbirth. (a) It would be enough to respect our wives and appreciate their patience after witnessing a single child birth! The one who bore this severe pain to deliver our beloved children deserves to be looked at with great admiration, compassion and respect- an affair that should be given paramount importance over that outward beauty that is no longer the same as when she was younger; and in addition to this, why do we not ask ourselves whether they still find us attractive after our youth has elapsed?! Marriage is not lust and the woman is not just pleasure and enjoyment!

The wives who gave birth to our beloved children, nieces, nephews and grand children, and took care of them; guard our wealth and honour, guard their chastity and honour, indeed none asks – with amazement – whether their husbands still find them attractive after years of marriage, sacrifice and patience, except an ingrate- one who neither fully understands the real purpose of marriage and companionship nor what beauty is in reality. The Prophet [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said, “He who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah”. (6) Imaam Abdul Azeez Bin Baaz [may Allaah have mercy upon him] stated about this hadeeth: “Whoever – from his traits and character – does not thank people for their good behaviour and kindness towards him, then he is not thankful to Allah due to his evil and rough behaviour, because indeed he is most likely in such a situation not to thank Allaah. Therefore, that which is obligated on a believer is to be thankful to the one who does good to him among his relatives and others. And just as it is obligated on him to thank Allaah for the good bestowed on him, it is also obligated on him to thank the people for their good behaviour and kindness towards him. Allaah [جل وعلا] loves that His servants thank those who are good to them and that they return good with good. The Prophet [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said, “Whoever does good to you, pay him back. If you cannot find something to give in return, then supplicate for him until he sees that you have indeed repaid him”. (7) And due to this, it is legislated for the believer (in the Sharee’ah) to supplicate for the one who supplicates for him, respond with kindness to the one who did good to him, commend him with good in return for his kindness to him and do good to him. This is from good manners and good deeds”. (8)

Finally, these women are a blessing and only a fool gets bored with Allaah’s blessings, as Imaam Ibnul Qayyim [may Allaah have mercy upon him] stated, “One of the common hidden afflictions is when a person has a blessing bestowed on him by Allaah; but he becomes bored with it, seeks to do away with it, and – due to ignorance- turns to what he claims is better for him than it. His Lord – out of Mercy- does not remove him from that blessing- excuses him for his ignorance and the bad choice he makes for himself, until he becomes fed up with the blessing, angered and dissatisfied due to it, and being fed up becomes firmly established; then Allaah takes it away from him. After turning to what he sought after and then see the difference between the state he used to be in as opposed to his affair at present, his anxiety and regret intensifies, so he seeks to return to the state he was in. There is nothing more harmful to the servant than being fed up with Allaah’s blessings, because neither does he see it as a blessing nor thank Allaah him for it, nor rejoice regarding it; but rather it angers him. He complains and considers it a calamity, even though it is one of Allaah’s greatest blessings conferred on him. The majority of the people are enemies of Allaah’s blessings and they do not realise the blessings Allaah has made available at their disposal, whilst striving to repel and reject them out of ignorance and wrongdoing. And how numerous a blessing is granted to one of them, whilst he is eager to strive his hardest to repel it! And how much reaches him while he was eager to repel and remove it due to his injustice and ignorance! Allaah [The Exalted] said:

[ذَٲلِكَ بِأَنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَمۡ يَكُ مُغَيِّرً۬ا نِّعۡمَةً أَنۡعَمَهَا عَلَىٰ قَوۡمٍ حَتَّىٰ يُغَيِّرُواْ مَا بِأَنفُسِہِمۡ‌ۙ – That is so because Allah will never change a grace which He has bestowed on a people until they change what is in their ownselves]. [Surah Al-Anfaal. Verse 53]

Allaah [The Exalted] said: [إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوۡمٍ حَتَّىٰ يُغَيِّرُواْ مَا بِأَنفُسِہِمۡ‌ۗ – Verily! Allah will not change the good condition of a people as long as they do not change their state of goodness themselves (by committing sins and by being ungrateful and disobedient to Allah)]. [Surah Rad. Verse 11]

There is not a greater enemy against a blessing than the soul that (whispers evil to the person), because he overcomes himself together with his enemy. His enemy throws fire on his blessings while he blows on it – enables him to throw fire and then helps him to blow it. (9)

We ask Allaah to preserve our wives for us and preserve us for them, overlook our shortcomings and bestow abundant mercy upon us, our parents and families. We ask Allaah to include us amongst those who are grateful and thankful to Him and the people Aameen.

a: Tafseer Surah Al-Ahqaaf, Aayah 15

[Ref 1: Sharh Saheeh Muslim. Vol 9. page 179. Publisher. Dar Kutub Al-Ilmiyyah. 1st Edition 1421AH (Year 2000)]

[Ref 2: Saheeh Ibn Maajah 1866]

[Ref 3: An Excerpt from ‘Ar-Rooh’ pages 487-489. slightly paraphrased]

[Ref 4: At-ta’leeqaat Al-Maleehah Alaa Silsilah Al-Ahaadeeth As-Saheehah. Vol 1 page 277. Slightly paraphrased]

[Ref 5: An Excerpt from Fat-hul Baari Sharh Saheeh Al-Bukhaari Hadeeth 5228. Vol 9, Pages 404- 405. Slightly paraphrased. Publisher. Daarus Salaam. 1st Edition 1421AH [Year 2000]

[Ref 6: Sunan Abu Dawud. Number 4811]

[Ref 7: Declared Saheeh By Imaam Al-Albaanee in ‘Irwaa al-Ghaleel. Number 1617]

[Ref8: paraphrased]

[Ref 9: Al-Fawaa’id 259-260. slightly paraphrased]

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