Love and Affection Are Not Synonymous With Desire For Sexual Relations
In The Name of Allaah, The Most Merciful, The Bestower of Mercy
Looking at The One Proposed For Marriage
Abu Hurayrah [may Allaah be pleased with him] said, “I was with the Prophet [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] when a man came and told him that he had married a woman of the Ansaar. Allaah’s Messenger [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] said to him, ‘Have you seen her?’ He said, ‘No’. He said, ‘Go and look at her, because there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar’”. [Saheeh Muslim. Number 1424]
Regarding the statement, “Because there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar”, Imaam An-Nawawi [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “It is said that the intent behind this is Small-eyed and it is said that it is Bleary-eyed”. (1)
Mughirah Bin Shubah [may Allaah be pleased with him] said, “I came to the Prophet [peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him] and told him of a woman to whom I had to propose marriage. He said, ‘Go and look at her, because that is more likely to create love between you.’ So, I went to a woman among the Ansar and proposed marriage through her parents. I told them what the Prophet had said, and it was as if they did not like that. Then I heard that woman behind her curtain, saying, ‘If the Messenger of Allah has told you to do that, then do it, otherwise I adjure you by Allah (not to do so)’. And it was as if she regarded that as a serious matter. So I looked at her and married her.” And he (Mugheerah) mentioned how well he got along with her. (2)
After seeing the one you want to marry and decide to go ahead because she is beautiful in your eyes as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then ask Allaah sincerely to place genuine love, compassion, mercy and respect between you, as Allaah [The Most High] said:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. [Surah Ar-Rum. Aayah 21]
Allaah [The Exalted] said: [وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا – And those who say: Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the pious]. [Surah Al-Furqaan. Aayah 74]
Imaam Ibnul Qayyim [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said, “They ask Allaah to grant them the comfort of the eye by making their wives and offspring obedient to Allaah, and to grant them happiness in their hearts due to being followed by the righteous in obedience and servitude to Allaah. That is because a trustworthy leader in the religion co-operates upon obedience (to Allaah and His Messenger), and that is to call to (sound) leadership in the religion, whose foundation is patience and certainty, as Allaah [The Most High] said:
[ وَجَعَلۡنَا مِنۡہُمۡ أَٮِٕمَّةً۬ يَہۡدُونَ بِأَمۡرِنَا لَمَّا صَبَرُواْۖ وَڪَانُواْ بِـَٔايَـٰتِنَا يُوقِنُونَ – And We made from among them (Children of Israel), leaders, giving guidance under Our Command, when they were patient and used to believe with certainty in Our Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.). Therefore, in their supplication -[in Surah Al-Furqaan Ayah 74]- to Allaah that He makes them leaders of the righteous people, is that Allaah guides them, grants them success, bless them with beneficial knowledge and righteous actions- outwardly and inwardly – without which (sound) leadership in the religion cannot be achieved”. (3)
Marriage is not lust and the woman is not just pleasure and enjoyment – By Shaikh Abdul Azeez Aala Shaikh [may Allaah preserve him]
The noble Sheikh, the Mufti of the committee of major scholars in Saudi Arabia, Sheikh Abdul Aziz ibn Abdullah Aali Shiekh declared that marriage is not just about lust and fulfilling the desires rather it is security and living together and stability.
And the noble Sheikh said: Some of the Muslims have an incorrect understanding about marriage, understanding it in a way other than its reality. Some of them have an understanding that marriage is simply about fulfilling their desires, so although they might implement the legislated marriage contract, their intention with this marriage is not stability nor commitment rather he marries and in himself he is planning to divorce her, meaning he knows in himself that he will marry her for a specific time period even if he does not mention this or disclose this.
So he marries her due to his desire for her not to have serenity and peace of mind with her, but he only counts her as just a simple pleasure; so he’s always on the verge of divorcing her and bringing in someone other than her. So he is a husband and at the same time he mixes this with the intention of divorce. And he does not want from the woman anything other than pleasure.
This is deception to the woman and dishonesty and misleading her; and if a man came to his daughter or his sister and he knew that he did not want her except for this purpose he would not allow him to marry her, but when it comes to other peoples daughters he does whatever he wants.
And all of this is from deception and dishonesty and fraud and betrayal. And for this reason Islam has prohibited temporary marriage; and this is to marry for an estimated number of days for an agreed upon specific duration. Therefore this was made impermissible due to the harms that it contains.
And the Sheikh said: So what the person does not like for his daughters then he should not like it for the daughters of the Muslims.
And the Sheikh said: And some of the people might travel to places in order to find marriage for a specific number of days or months and he thinks this is a marriage contract and all of this is trivial to him, so he falls into sin.
And there are some who marry a number of women before (the other women he divorced) finish their waiting period. So he will merge the marriage to more than ten women in one month without any concern for the Islamic legislated contract.
And the Mufti said: The Muslim must have good judgment and he should not let his goal be to fulfill his desire in a way that is not in accordance with the Islamic legislation. And he must adorn himself with the manners of Islam, and he must look at other peoples daughters just like he looks at his own daughters and his own sisters, and he should put people in the position that he likes to be in.
Therefore if the person believes it allowable to do evil to the daughters of others and to not comply with the Islamic standard and then he does not want this same evil for his daughters; then why this discrepancy? Where is the balance, where is the justice?
Unfortunately, there are some Muslims who make permissible that which Allah has made impermissible so in a matter of days they marry a number of women, all with the intention of divorce, seeking by this to gain some benefit (from the wife) in the summer or the winter or other than this, and Islam prohibits this. Therefore Islam wants for us to be well-balanced in our contracts and to put others in the position of our daughters and our sisters and to be truthful in our dealings.
And the Sheikh said: And some of them go and travel and get married against the normal system and then they fall into sin or serious situations and perhaps they might abandon their wives or leave them and not return to them after they have become pregnant or given birth to his child, so this exposes the Muslim descendants to danger. And some of them dont care about their wives or their children so major problems occur as a result of this treacherous marriage. (4)
The Perils of Unrestrained Desires
Imaam Ibnul Jawzi [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said: know that (unrestrained or forbidden) desires urges a person towards immediate pleasures without him pondering upon its evil consequences- urges him towards short-lived pleasures, even though it is a cause of pain and harm in this life and a barrier to pleasure in the afterlife. As for a sensible person, he keeps away from pleasures whose result will be pain and those desires whose end result will be regret. This is enough as praise regarding what sound intellect necessitates and a rebuke against uncontrolled desires.
A sensible person should know that those who are addicted to lowly desires reach a state in which they no longer enjoy themselves, but at the same time they are unable to abandon those desires, because it becomes as if it is a necessity of life. And due to this, you’ll find that alcoholics and sex addicts do not even enjoy a tenth of those desires, but they put themselves in a perilous situation that compels them to keep on returning to the act. However, if- based on clear-sightedness- the (false) beautification of those lowly desires cease, a person realise that he has exposed himself to some ruin that is contrary to wellbeing, a situation of grief instead of happiness, whilst seeking after pleasure; so, he resembles an animal that was led to a trap- neither reached the thing that was utilised to lure it into the trap nor is it able to escape. A person should ponder upon the fact that a human being was not created to fulfil desires; rather he was facilitated (with sound knowledge based on the divine revelation and uncorrupted perception) to reflect on the consequences of his actions and perform righteous deeds for the Afterlife. An animal receives pleasure through eating, drinking and sex much more than a human being, whilst living a life devoid of reflection and concern. Therefore, it is drawn towards its desires due to being ignorant of the outcomes of its actions (i.e. it does not possess the knowledge given to humans through sound reasoning and reflection guided by the divine revelation). (5)
Imaam Ibnul Qayyim [may Allaah have mercy upon him] said: Whoever is given strength and facilitated (with the means) to something, his pleasure will be found in utilising that strength. Whoever is granted the strength to have sexual relations, he will find pleasure in utilising his strength in it. Whoever is given strength to become angry and overcome (others), he will utilise the strength of his anger to (obtain what he desires). Whoever is given the strength to eat and drink, his pleasure will be found in utilising his strength in (eating and drinking). Whoever is given the strength to (pursue) knowledge and understanding, his pleasure will be found in utilising his strength and directing it towards knowledge. Whoever is given strength in (having) love for Allaah, turning to Allaah in repentance, submission and obedience, being devoted to Allaah (sincerely with one’s) heart, having an ardent desire (to please, obey and meet Allaah) and (desiring to come close to Allaah, be recognised and loved by Allaah etc), he will find his pleasure and bliss in utilising this strength in that. All these pleasures will dwindle and disappear, except this one (i.e. love of Allaah etc). (6)
[Ref 1: Sharh Saheeh Muslim. Vol 9. page 179. Publisher. Dar Kutub Al-Ilmiyyah. 1st Edition 1421AH (Year 2000)]
[Ref 2: Saheeh Ibn Maajah 1866]
[Ref 3: An Excerpt from ‘Ar-Rooh’ pages 487-489. slightly paraphrased]
[Ref 5: An Excerpt from Dhammul Hawaa’ pages 36-38. Slightly paraphrased]
[Ref 6: Al-Fawaa’id 121-122. Slightly paraphrased]
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